My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
