You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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