I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
