And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
