I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
