I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
