Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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