We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
