Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
