i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
