I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
