Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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