Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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