well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
