im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
