I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
