U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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