but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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