when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
