She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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