i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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