i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
