Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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