when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
