So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
