Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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