omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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