Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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