I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
