I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
