Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
