Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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