I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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