why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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