TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
