The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.