you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.