Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it