I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
