There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
