I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i out mim tonsoeep
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
