but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
