so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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