I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we have pet lesbian snakes
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
