I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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