just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
