Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
