dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
