Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
