My first STD was from a foam party
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
