Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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