On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
