i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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