dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
