ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
