I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
