how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
