I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
