Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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