so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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