Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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